I picture myself, with a hand on the tiller of my superbly polished wooden ketch, solo navigating the shoals of predicted text and prescribed social response, where ‘resilient’ sea urchins, ‘lived experience’ barnacles and ‘overhead adverse’ oysters strain to unravel my apricot (pronounced ‘ap ree kot’) scarf, as an offshore wind of emotional intelligence (EI) ruffles at my unkept greying hair.
Oh yes, I am an independent man piloting the perils of a vanilla, conforming social sector, but just like the anonymous but widely known male nemesis in Carly Simon’s song ‘You’re So Vain’ I am much maligned. Not for my ego (which was stomped on by my own emotional unintelligence decades ago) but mainly because I have an opinion, nor do I admire my reflection and strategically placed lanyard in the mirror as I stroll casually by. I realized years ago that my reflection is behind me and disappears in the mirror as I keep walking. An empty mirror is an empty mirror, much like the pompous and self-righteous concept of EI widely touted as the pinnacle of corporate and social sector leadership.
You see dear reader, if highly valued leaders with EI are a rare and celebrated commodity then logically many of us are emotionally disconnected and dumb because every valid concept must have a placebo or litmus test to prove its legitimacy or lack of.
Are most of us then sugar pills or soggy, blue paper?
I am sure we are not!
Therefore, let’s unpick the Dorian Gray reflection of EI or as I like to call it, Professor Chaos and see why most of us are falling asleep in the EI lecture hall:
An accepted definition of emotional intelligence (EI) refers to the ability to recognize, understand, manage, and effectively express emotions, both in oneself and in others. It involves being aware of one’s own emotions and their impact, as well as being attuned to the emotions of others and adept at managing interpersonal relationships. EI encompasses skills such as empathy, self-regulation, social awareness, and effective communication. It plays a crucial role in personal and professional success, influencing leadership abilities, decision-making, conflict resolution, and overall well-being.
No doubt a noble aspiration but how do you qualify for EI and who judges the eager aspirants? Is there an EI Board where you present your application for admission?
And when the ever-present light and dark side of humanity grabs the successful individual is there a sin bin or quiet space for the failed EI?
Do you put EI behind your name once you have been admitted to the club?
Do you sense my skepticism? EI, just like perfectionism is unattainable.
I have never met a human being with the ability to consistently recognize, understand, manage, and effectively express their own emotions, and moreover, in others. If you could do this daily, you would be God and I know some extraordinary women and men and not one of them is infallible.
The most effective leaders I witness are leaders who wear the mantle of leadership uncomfortably. They treat leadership like a coarse hair vest, and they consistently show their real self not an MBA version of EI.
In fact, EI sounds like a reality TV show, and we all know that reality TV is contrived and edited bullshit!
The women and men I admire are those that don’t ask to be followed and sit at the back of the hall in silent contemplation.
Real growth is achieved by listening.
So, I’m going to reframe EI into EH (emotional honesty).
Here’s my definition:
Emotional honesty (EH) is not just reckless truth-telling devoid of prudence and love, manifesting in passionate self-deception and the imperative need for unabashed honesty in critical moments. The self-deception of perfectionism can cloak our flaws, as exemplified by the false pride in achieving EI. This highlights the peril of deluding oneself into justifying morally accepted but questionable actions. Conversely, a devout, spiritual introspection unveils layers of unconscious deception, ignoring the natural imperfections of being human. EH advises discernment in truth-telling, emphasizing the potential for both harm and healing inherent in honesty. Whether resisting the urge to prove emotional capability or grappling with divulging damaging truths, integrity hinges on conscientious self-examination and discerning when to speak truthfully. Conversely, using others’ perceived lack of EI as a pretext for necessary leadership only perpetuates self-delusion. Moreover, universal, and linear counsel from trusted confidants fosters clarity and dismantles illusions, paving the path to genuine integrity. Embracing EH with prudence and compassion liberates us from the negativity of fear and ego (which has driven the concept of EI), encouraging unity and esteem within ourselves and our communities. Thus, our ongoing pursuit of EH enriches our lives and relationships, offering a transformative liberation akin to that experienced in recovery from adversity.
EH’ers admit their light and dark side and embrace the good and the bad. Their presence in front of a singular other is not a learned privilege but a moment in time.
EH is accepting your flaws and strengths, admitting you are not that important and your only relevancy to another human being is being present without judgement.
Finally, have a listen to ‘You’re So Vain’ which reminds me of my ever-present neediness, and I’ll humbly resign EI to where it belongs – in the round file under the desk.
